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By Tim Istock

So, unless you’ve been living under a rock for this year and haven’t heard any of the 467,322 virtually non-stop radio and TV commercials touting the legalizing of sports gambling in North Carolina, permit me to enlighten you — sports gambling is now legal in North Carolina.

Yup, that’s right, no need anymore for stealth late-night calls to Lucky Louie, or smoky backroom meetings with Knuckles McGhee just to lay some hard-earned dough down on the Kansas City Chiefs to win the Super Bowl again. Instead, with the easy-peasy assistance provided by Draft Kings, Fan Duel, BetMGM, and a legion of other gambling facilitators, in the time it takes to say, emptied bank account, broken marriage, and cardboard signing on the street corner for your next meal, you too can be up and rubbing cyber elbows with the big dogs of sports wagering as you gleefully pick overs, unders, prop bets, parlays and a host of other games of chance from the comfort of your own phone, pad, or desk top computer.

And not only that, but to make your journey into the wide wide world of sports betting even more enticing, these kind, compassionate folks are generously going to front you some “free” betting scratch just to get you started on the road to seeing just how simple the whole sports wagering process can be.

Ok, so what’s wrong with this picture?

Well, shoot, I don’t know, maybe the notion of encouraging otherwise responsible people to throw in with and eventually forge a psychological pact with a known vice that’s been conclusively shown to be potentially habit forming at best, and seriously addictive at worst, and which even in the best case scenario has the house ending up on the winning side of your wallet the vast majority of the time, regardless of how smart and savvy you fashion yourself to be.

And then there’s this: at the conclusion of the frenetic, overly enthusiastic pitches designed specifically to lure otherwise casual sports fans into testing the legitimacy of their alleged sports knowledge by actually putting some money where their mouth is, these turf accountants actually have the audacity to add this:

“Gambling problem? In North Carolina Dial 1-800- 223 — 5825 (that’s 1-800 — BAD-LUCK), In Delaware, dial 1-800-968-5673 (that’s 1-800-YOU LOSE), in Guatamala, dial 1-800- 689-5626, (that’s 1-800- MUY-LOCO), etc., etc.”

Uh, hello. . . . my gambling problem is that you all are baiting me relentlessly with offers to do just that . . gamble. I mean, isn’t that akin to offering someone free cocaine to try after tantalizing them with claims about just how good it will make them feel, and then providing them with contact information for the nearest drug rehab facility once they’re hooked?

Listen, I’m not about to sit here and say that I’ve never made a friendly wager on the outcome of a sporting event or thrown down a fin on a March Madness bracket office pool, but c’mon folks, we’re talking about stakes that should I lose maybe has me parting with a five bucks, buying someone a beer or a meal, or making good on some other equally innocuous payout, red ink results that are not only wallet friendly, but which usually result in me benefitting by association as well.

So be careful out there and look hard before you leap, for stories abound of those who have been lured in by the possibility of “scoring big”, only to end up mired in depression, ruin, and  . . .

Ring! . . .  Ring! . . .

Excuse me for a second . . .

“What’s that you say, the Vegas oddsmakers have set the Carolina Panthers over/under win total at 7 games this upcoming season? Holy slam dunk Batman! Now what’s that number for the Caesar’s Palace Betting Hot Line again?”